Molly & Jill’s Holiday Survival Guide

Episode 21 with Jill and Molly

The holidays are approaching, and whether you’re a leader, a parent, or in recovery, this season can bring up more stress than sparkle. So let's tackle how to enjoy the holidays without losing your mind or your boundaries.

From planning ahead and setting expectations to navigating family dynamics, sobriety milestones, and finding community, Molly and Jill share their own stories of spending holidays in recovery and how those moments shaped their traditions today. They also offer tangible ways to give back. Whether through service, donation drives, or just simple acts of kindness that restore connection and purpose during a busy season.

If you’re trying to stay grounded or simply get through the family dinner without snapping, this episode reminds you: you get to choose what this season looks like.

• TRANSCRIPTION

  Jill Griffin 0:01

  Hey, welcome back. No permission necessary. We are back. We're back back in business. And honestly, it is. We are entering holiday season, and that's what we're going to talk about today. We're entering, I mean, a triangle, as they call it, in the recovery space.

  Molly Bierman 0:21

  I don't even know how we got here.

  Jill Griffin 0:25

  I feel like I blacked out. I feel like it was July 4, and now we're here truly.

  Molly Bierman 0:33

  Yeah, that was our first episode came out on July 4. Yeah, the fifth. It was

  Jill Griffin 0:41

  definitely that week, though, but I feel like we celebrated that holiday, and now we're here where it's like wherever you are in in the world, listening to this, I'm in New England, so it is starting to get cold where I am. What do you consider Mid Atlantic? Is that

  Molly Bierman 0:59

  Mid Atlantic? And it's not, it's not really that cold. It's 55 degrees. I was in New York for the last few days, and it was probably about the same. I didn't feel much different, although I did notice that the human no humidity up there. My skin was dry immediately. The minute I stepped off the train, my life left my body.

  Jill Griffin 1:21

  I just want to clarify that 55 degrees I'm considering cold.

  Molly Bierman 1:26

  No, I'm not considering that cold, you know. And I think for a lot of years, I ran cold in my life, and now I run hot. And now I'm like, oh my god, can I get some fresh air? So, you know, really, I'm cold all the time.

  Molly Bierman 1:41

  I'm not not anymore, not since I had children. So we're talking about holidays. We're talking about how to best prepare our teams, our clients, our families, to be able to enjoy I think I really just want to set an intention right here, right now. I don't want to be stressed this holiday season,

  Jill Griffin 2:05

  same and actually, always there. I end up always there. No, I'm not going to be stressed this year. Let me just tell you. Well, let me throw this out to you. Have you talked to your team about or clients about the holidays yet,

  Molly Bierman 2:23

  no, but I have actually bought a few gifts. Okay, well, this is where my gift gift,

  Molly Bierman 2:31

  which means, yeah, but which means that I have actually done a lot more preparation. I mean, I have bought a few gifts, and I have gotten some holiday family pajamas. Tip.

  Jill Griffin 2:45

  Tip number one is to prepare ahead of time you're gonna get caught off guard if you don't start thinking about the holidays until the week of Thanksgiving. And when I say holidays, Thanksgiving, if you're in a business, if you're owning a business, a leader in business, or just in your family, if you're a parent, right, like you have to think ahead, because there's days off from school, there's or there's kids coming home from school, depending on what you know, season of life you're in. And there's maybe family visiting from out of town. There's preparing meals, there's gifts, there's so many like things that women, I feel like we end up holding the bag for a lot of those things. Yes, I will say that planning ahead is the number one tip in terms of like, not being stressed. And I will say that right now, as it stands today, I have both team holiday dinners scheduled. Invitations have gone out. I have gifts ordered for the staff. And there we go. There we go. I did also, I did also get a Oh, and we've already talked about it in our staff meetings. Like, make sure you block those days off. These are our days off. These are the holidays. Like, make sure we're informing clients XYZ. We've started early this year. I feel like,

  Molly Bierman 4:04

  I think that's great. I mean, our system runs a bit differently because we're not an agency, so you know, we'll see what happens. But I think it's good, good to note, usually, we probably increase in visitation throughout the holidays, that it gets busier for people. Because a lot of people, you know, I think I was talking to, yeah, a lot of people struggle. And what I was talking to somebody about the other day regarding the holiday season is that everybody becomes anxious, fearful, challenged. How am I going to be with family? And sometimes there's discord in the family system, and so everybody kind of goes in with that level of not everyone, but a good fraction of our clients go in with that level of uncertainty. And how are, how am I going to even now, right placing clients in treatment and. Uh, people are needing more support. Families are already asking, what's it going to be like for the holidays? And so it sometimes is saying, How are we redefining what the holiday season looks like? And a lot of times, when we're talking to our families, you know specifically that we work with we're saying one holiday being impacted is better than you know a future, you know, 510, 15 or no holidays being available, if somebody isn't, you know, here to celebrate, right? So, and I know that may sound, you know, a bit kind of as a Debbie Downer, but what we're really looking at is through the lens of, how are we creating life? How are we creating connection? How are we creating the ability for these loved ones to be able to maybe take the expectation and the pressure off? I mean, look, I'm a byproduct of a pressure cooker. Holiday season right through and through, both on, you know, both on my mom's side and my dad's side. And what I think that I've learned over the years, and I still don't do it well, is that if I can allow the process to kind of just unfold naturally, just like anything else, it really starts to feel more enjoyable. But there has been a lot of work that has had to come with that, because I think there's always been this high expectation. So again, going back to the families we work with, there's a high expectation of how to support your loved one while the holidays are upcoming, and sometimes the most loving and supportive thing you can do is just kind of allow them to be in their treatment process and in their recovery, and just let them have the power of choice, of what it's going to look like this year, you know? And at some point it's okay to let your family down. Let your family down,

  Jill Griffin 6:49

  right? Choice is a big thing. I mean, when you were talking it made me think of like there were both of us have sobriety dates that are in December, right?

  Molly Bierman 7:00

  We can go there if we want to wait. I mean, that's probably something to talk about, because I will never forget the holiday before I got sober.

  Jill Griffin 7:09

  So both of us got sober in December, which means that that Thanksgiving before little rocky, little rocky for a variety of

  Molly Bierman 7:18

  reasons, I wasn't at, I don't even know where I was Thanksgiving. Yeah, I was on at the dinner table.

  Jill Griffin 7:24

  Well, I will the Thanksgiving before I got sober. I will never forget because that I enjoyed a meal at a correctional institution for that, for that holiday, let me tell you. So going back to choice, my point is you can choose to go to treatment, or you're or you may have be in a position where your choice is no longer available to you. So yeah, I got I was incarcerated during the holiday season. I got out three days before Christmas. I will never forget, I will always be grateful for Christmas. Maybe that's why Christmas is my favorite holiday. I don't know. But like, there were times where I had choice, and I chose not to write, get better, get well, and the holidays at the end of the day, it's bullshit. You're not gonna enjoy them anyway, if you're high. Did you know?

  Molly Bierman 8:13

  Did you go to Christmas once you got out? When did you get out and when did you go? You know? What did that tell

  Jill Griffin 8:19

  you something? Let me tell you something. Okay, I got out on December 23 So,

  Molly Bierman 8:25

  okay, so you're right, yeah, you're right there. You're right to the finish line.

  Jill Griffin 8:29

  Not only did I attend Christmas Yes, but my grandmother got married on Christmas Eve, so like the day I got the day after I got home, it was like I stepped into an alternate universe. I don't

  Molly Bierman 8:44

  it was bizarre. Were you sober

  Jill Griffin 8:48

  at that time? Yeah, I didn't fuck up yet, but it was a whole year until I got sober.

  Molly Bierman 8:55

  Oh, okay, okay, so you know, I'll just, yeah, I'll put that out there. I think that's probably where the challenge is. You know, I think a lot of families want everybody close, even if the person's struggling, which I get my model is

  Jill Griffin 9:14

  part of it, the appearance, right? They haven't. So a lot of times, the holidays, this is what I find. You get together with family that you don't see all the time. Maybe you just talk on the phone. They don't really know what's going on in the family system. So there's a lot of wanting to keep up with the appearance of everything's okay, even though it's not.

  Molly Bierman 9:34

  Yes, of course, you should hear some the families that we work with and the things that they suggest. I mean, over the last decade, I've heard all of the, you know, we're going to say that Johnny is in Europe. We're going to say, you know, he's at school. We're going to say all sorts of things. But it's hard to kind of disguise the Christmas, right? The other holidays you can kind of get by, or Hanukkah, you know, it's hard to disguise Christmas or Hanukkah, because I think. It's, everyone is off. Everyone is off. So, so when we think about, you know, at least my journey, I remember coming home for the holidays, I was very sick. I mean, I was withdrawing. I had been, you know, really, really in the height of my disease. And when I got home, I'll I vividly remember this picture. There was a picture of, like my siblings and I, and it was like a yellow wall behind us. I was as yellow as the wall. If I see that picture, like, sometimes it, um, sometimes it resurfaces. And when I see it, I just crumple it up, throw it in the trash. I don't know how it keeps resurfacing, but it somehow does. But, you know for sure, but, but what I remember is that I couldn't, you know what, it could have been a little bit of a turning point now, kind of from a reflective moment, is that I did not see this is something where I was trying to hide anymore, or, you know, play a double life. I was clearly capable of

  Molly Bierman 11:10

  doing that, right. So I think that that really also was a turning point for me to be able to say the gig is up, right? Because it was so shameful, and it was so debilitating, in a lot of ways, to be around people and to kind of see everybody's cheerful nature and to be having fun and in community with one another, and it just felt so uncomfortable and awkward and disconnected from where I was. So I think when we talk about the holidays, there's an ability to say, Where's my bandwidth? How do I want to show up in? What time frame do I want to show up? And also making sure that you have a plan, like when we think about people who are in a sober space, you have to be mindful of what you can handle, right? You're only in control of your own self, and sometimes that means letting people down, right? Sometimes that means maybe not meeting expectations

  Jill Griffin 12:10

  and setting your setting your own boundaries. So I will say that tradition is a big thing in my household, and I think it's a big thing for a lot of families, right? That goes back to expectations. You know, older generations want to keep up with the with the traditions, even though maybe younger generations may not be able, may not jive with those and or sometimes it's like we don't have the time for that, right? We don't want to make the time for that. But there is a there is a reason traditions are very predictable, right? And there's like a good nostalgia to them. However, I will say that getting sober. So I got sober on December 8, my first Christmas. I remember, because there's a lot of alcohol at family Christmas, I remember bringing bringing people, and saying to my parents, like, Hey, I'm going to be bringing a sober person with me to Christmas, and they were always my, my family is has always been inviting of people. So I brought them, and I said, you know, I'm going to, if I feel uncomfortable, I'm going to leave, you know, and that those are very uncomfortable conversations, but I will say that it's been a very beautiful tradition since then. So now we're talking this will be my 16th or 17th Christmas. You know, sober. We have had it every Christmas. I call them the stragglers, people that are just like either newly sober, people who don't have family to go to maybe they haven't really like rekindled relationships with their family, like we have people that come from all different back listens to my family Christmas now this so this is something

  Molly Bierman 13:53

  that I also grew up with, and I feel it's so first of all, endearing. I think it is something that paved the way for what I do today, if we really want to talk about the lineage of, you know, the givers in my family and the people that were of service. So growing up, when I was little, my uncle was a pretty prominent criminal defense attorney, and there was I as far back as I can remember, there was always someone at the at the dinner table at Christmas with on my girl, you know, my mom's mom, my gram, there was always someone at her dinner table that my uncle would bring that didn't have anywhere to go in the holiday, during the holidays, a lot of times, apparently, that person was, you know, potentially a convicted felon, potentially just got off doing a bid, right? Like, who knows what their stories were, but it didn't matter. They were breaking. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. They showed up. They always loved our family. And so throughout the years, I watched that, and a lot of times it was also people in recovery too, because I have a long lineage of family members in recovery. And then so. So it was pretty natural and organic that that also I started doing that right? It was bringing someone from the 12 step community that didn't have somewhere to go, or, you know, primarily people that you know either weren't welcome at the at their family's home yet, because, also, families have power of choice, they may not be ready and but that doesn't mean that you can't make an alternate plan, right? How do you create your family of choice? Right? While your you know parents may or your extended family, or maybe it's an unsafe place to go, right? There's a lot of people that there's a lot of addiction that runs rampant in family systems. So maybe you're not ready for that yet, or maybe people don't respect, you know, your sobriety, right, or they're not willing to look at it right. I think everyone can have their own viewpoint, but you are only responsible for you, and so if somebody's you know, making you feel uncomfortable, it's your decision to then pivot, you know, do something different. And so I feel so really honestly, grateful and lucky that I was able to watch that evolve as a young person, and then for me to feel it always that my family would welcome anyone that wanted to come to the holidays. Yeah, probably more. So sometimes they would welcome other people rather than me.

  Jill Griffin 16:28

  Oh, yeah. I mean, we, we, I have, I look at pictures every year when they come up with the holidays, and it's just like the evolution of who chose to keep coming to our family's Christmas like we were, you know, we were chosen family, right? And I think that's the kind of community that you build. I think when you have that common, I don't know common struggle, I think. And I think for those, for those that are listening, that don't, they're like, Oh, well, I don't, I don't. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an addict. I think that there are a lot of other communities where this happens. You just have to find them. Like, I think of my husband's gym, like they do a Friendsgiving every year they get together for Christmas. They do, like a holiday dinner, or somewhere, like, there is community there in that gym that rivals any 12 step community. And so I just think that holidays are really a time where you do need to find who your people are, because it can be very isolating and lonely if you're not also logged in somewhere

  Molly Bierman 17:31

  and also religious institutions, synagogues, churches, right? There's people that you can connect with in some way, shape or form, and even today, I, you know, was looking through our mail and saying, Okay, where are we going to donate? You know, where can we donate? Whether that's our time, right, whether that's financial resources. So there's a place here locally called the helping up mission, and they're always in need of support for meals for people, or, you know, volunteering and cooking, and so how do we get involved? And again, that was something that when we talk about traditions, there's a whole host of traditions that I love, right, that that I grew up with, but some of the more vivid traditions are the where are the places where we were of service. So I would just say, for anyone who's listening to, you know, when we talk about we talk about staff, we talk about, you know, leadership, we talk about friendship, we talk about recovery here, where can you be in any of those pockets of service throughout the holidays, which then kind of takes that pressure valve and releases it a bit on the expectations of where You need to be and how you need to show up, starting to sprinkle those things in now preemptively, because then we're in a position where we can actually feel, you know, I don't know, I would say, like the spirit of the connection, right, which is what we're All really yearning for.

  Jill Griffin 19:00

  I think that's the to me why I love the holidays so much. I just feel like people are able to put aside a little bit of the the differences, the discord, the you know, and come together for more of a shared like mission and purpose, like I know we're we, we partner with a community agency to give meals to families for Thanksgiving, and we're adopting a couple families for Christmas and Christmas gifts. And like, I do feel like, whether it's for the staff or for the clients, and then the broader community, right? Like it's providing opportunities to be of service. Because sometimes you don't know, like, you don't know where to find, you know, I want to help people, but I don't know where to help. I don't know where to find those people. So I'm like, bringing that into into our space, like, here's a way for you to feel like, you know, you're giving back in some way. And I think that is important in terms of filling your cup, but also the connection with. Others like I think it's just a time where I also know this, how grateful I am for things that I can sometimes take for granted that I once didn't have. Like. The reality is, like the things that I have now that are just kind of like normal in my day to day, aren't always things that I was able to say I have. Well, I think, no, I think

  Molly Bierman 20:20

  that's something good to talk about. And maybe we can drop a link where people can donate as well. Let's talk about the things that people who are in recovery. And this is a really good thing to kind of share people new into recovery that maybe don't have resources. What are the things that they really need around the holidays? I mean, I can very much start warm coats, warm socks, toiletries, things of that nature, food. I don't know if there's anything else food,

  Jill Griffin 20:52

  yeah, you know, like getting involved in your food pantries, your soup kitchens, like, you know, we partnered with United Way, who connects with other local agencies of families who like sign up for dinners and to get those Thanksgiving meals. Because, you know, food is expensive these days, especially,

  Molly Bierman 21:11

  and right now, there is, you know, challenges, you know, for the people here, right in the United States that need food, right? So I think being conscious of that's an ongoing issue in, you know, in the recovery community, or people who are still active, I should say, who have not yet found their their way to recovery. So if you can get involved in any sock drives, can drives, toiletries, their coat, drives, anything like that, again, like some of it is just going into your closet and taking out a couple coats that you haven't worn in, you know, I haven't, like a two year rule, like, if I haven't worn in two years, it should be donated. So, you know, I think that that is, you know, the ability to kind of find where you can just give back. It doesn't have to be brand new. It doesn't have to be and then also for the for the parents, you know, I've worked in all you know, Jill and I both have worked in all aspects of recovery. And some of what that means is that there's also children that are affected. So, you know, people who have children we did last year, who may not their parents may just be getting into recovery, and so those children who are being affected potentially need gifts for Christmas to open because their parents can't afford it. So there are toy drives bringing unwrapped toys helping, you know, helping those individuals that want to make somebody's Christmas or Hanukkah or other holidays a little bit brighter being able to give gifts. So Jill and I will definitely drop a couple links in this episode of different drives and things that you can get involved in if you want to donate to those that may be struggling.

  Jill Griffin 22:53

  This actually, just as you were talking, made me think of I used to work at a family shelter, and one year for Christmas, it was probably it was either two days before Christmas or a day before Christmas. And I feel like the agency that was supposed to bring us gifts and be collecting gifts, like something happened and the gifts didn't come through, maybe until, like, the last, very last minute, all I remember is myself and my coworker in this room, and I have pictures from this day. The entire room was just covered with toys that we had to wrap and then separate into all these families to give to. And it was just like, it was a nightmare. And I just remember being like, but we have to get this done. Like, like, there is not, no child is going to wake up without gifts in the shelter on Christmas Day. I

  Molly Bierman 23:47

  think a couple things of why this makes so much sense now knowing you and now why you do not leave anything to the last minute to wrap. That is why. Now I know you have all your gifts wrapped. I know by Thanksgiving, you're like, I'm done. I'm like, what? Where are we? How did you even get done so quick?

  Jill Griffin 24:06

  Honestly, part of that, though, is I've learned really early on, like, going back to what we said before, the stress and the pressure cooker, I don't do well with that. I think I one. I hate the cold, so, like, already I'm in a downward spiral once Thanksgiving hits, okay, two you know, I just I am a deal. I like to shop for the deal. So, like, by the time Black Friday hits, I'm pretty much done, because I've already shopped the sales. I've gotten what we need. I will say I am not as far ahead as I have been in the past with that stuff, with, like my family shopping, I have my list, but I just like to be done. Because I like to enjoy the season. I like to I always make these treats for all my staff, which now this year is going to be a challenge because it's like way more than I typically have to make. But I'm still I'm. So dedicated to doing it. You're committed. I like, I'm committed because everyone loves them. They like, look forward to them. So

  Molly Bierman 25:06

  yeah, and that's what brings the joy, that's joy and love is

  Jill Griffin 25:12

  I like, like, the I love the process of that. I will tell you that Christmas music has already started in my house, and it's not me. My daughter has already started. I woke up this week the other day blasting Christmas music in the morning. Okay, so that is just the vibe that we're going with in our house. And we're traveling right after Christmas this year. So I already have made a family announcement that we're decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving this year. It's just happening, because I'm losing out on two weeks with my Christmas tree.

  Molly Bierman 25:46

  So there's a lot of things to unpack here, but I will say, I will say one thing, which is, if you guys are listening to this episode, Jill, can really make your life better. Okay, because that was my biggest takeaway. Because I sat last night as I ordered my holiday pajama sets for the family on sale. Like, Wait, where did you get them from? Because I did that this week too.

  Molly Bierman 26:20

  I got them from skims.

  Ooh, I got mine from the gap.

  Molly Bierman 26:25

  Those are good too. But she was running sales, so I'm like, I'm gonna do it, but I will tell you the whole family. Yeah, on skims, yes. Shout out. Skims, all right.

  Molly Bierman 26:38

  And, and, you know, we love Emma Avi, and she is, you know, she's a brand, you know, she's a co brand. She's a boss ambassador there. But you know, I, what I really kind of walked away from in that moment was, oh, this is what Jill has been trying to tell me for the last decade. Okay, this that one thing off the list, felt a little relieving. It really did, because I do operate at this level where, and I'm sorry, dad, if you're listening, I think it's your fault. I think that it is. I think that my dad and I operate at this anxious level, and yeah, it's a learned behavior, and I'm really trying to kind of there. I'm not thriving there.

  Jill Griffin 27:26

  No, well, here's the reason why you need to really hone in on this skill in the next few years, because soon, very soon. And I know Bodie is already doing some of this because he's in school system, but that's nothing compared to what you're about to get into with these school and friend activities. Okay? It's like, it's like light activities right now, but soon it's going to be like the hustle and bustle if you have elementary school age children keeping up with that school schedule, with the holidays, it will, it it will really make your head spin. It's wild. Yes, so doing that on top of all the other things, and then there's always some again, going back to us working in behavioral health, there's usually a crisis or two that we're managing on the client. Oh, so it's like 100% I really try to keep everything as light as possible. I've already scheduled out in my calendar when I'm going to do certain things, because, again, like, I want to be able to enjoy it. I've, I've been in those spaces where I'm stressed out, and then after the fact, it's like, so I stress myself out so everyone else can have a good time. And now I didn't. Now I'm resentful, tired, irritable, I don't want to talk to anybody like, that's not the vibe that I'm going for during the house. Like, I want to just be able to hang out, see people I don't see all the time, every year, enjoy their company, eat good food. I Yeah. So in order to do that, I need to be extra on point with, like, my my list,

  Molly Bierman 29:03

  yeah, and your self care. And I will also say as it gets closer that there's always support groups that run these kind of round the clock, you know, Marathon, you know, a day meetings, yeah, yeah.

  Molly Bierman 29:19

  And they're called, you know, alcathons or whatever. You know, they're called another, you know, in other areas. And honestly, it's a really good way to break up for people who are struggling around the holidays. It's a really good way to break up, you know, the family time. Hey, I gotta go. I'm gonna go check in with you know, you know what I need so or you're

  Jill Griffin 29:41

  someone of those psychopath families that runs a 5k on Thanksgiving morning. Because to me, I'm not the turkey trot. We're not doing that family.

  Molly Bierman 29:54

  Yeah, the turkey trot. We have a few friends. Yeah, that'll be at the trots. Yeah,

  Jill Griffin 30:00

  although I am, I am participating in that fitness competition the Saturday before Thanksgiving.

  Molly Bierman 30:07

  So, so maybe you are that family I

  Jill Griffin 30:10

  was going to put myself out there that maybe I'm even more psychotic about it, because

  Molly Bierman 30:17

  maybe next year you actually are doing, maybe next year you are doing a

  Jill Griffin 30:20

  turkey trot. Because, no, because my tradition for Thanksgiving, I want to be waking up. I want to be watching a

  Molly Bierman 30:27

  little bit of the parade. Yes, I will. I

  Jill Griffin 30:31

  usually do work out Thanksgiving morning, but I'm making all day. Oh, and I'm gonna eat a lot. Let's be real. And then I gotta make my sweet potatoes. I got to make my regular potatoes. I got stuff to do. I've done

  Molly Bierman 30:43

  Thanksgiving the last couple of years, and I'm not doing Thanksgiving this year. My sister in law and my brother are doing it, and I'm kind of they were really nice about it. They they asked, and they said, Do you want to still do it? And I could tell that they really wanted to do and I'm like, please, sounds great. What do you need me to bring? I'll

  Molly Bierman 31:02

  make a couple sides, and then, you know, I'll host a dinner at my

  Jill Griffin 31:05

  house. Yes, experience. You can wake up, you can work out. You can watch a little bit of parade, because the kids like the parade. They like to watch.

  Molly Bierman 31:15

  So guys, you know, if you are getting prepped, if you're getting ready, I think that my permission for you and myself is to try to take it easy, relax, make a little checklist. And really, you know, I think probably the biggest, it's not too early to start, and I think at the end of the day, really, with the biggest permission, you know, permission to be of service. You know, be of service this season, because that's really what it's

  Jill Griffin 31:53

  about, yeah. So hopefully some of these tips were helpful. We'd love to hear your feedback. Please follow us on Instagram at no permission necessary, and continue to download and follow along

  Molly Bierman 32:07

  and maybe give us a couple funny stories of of holiday fiascos. We'll post them in our stories. So if you could love that, if you could comment a few, you know, that would be great. And we'll share them along to give everybody a little bit of laugh. And, you know, loosen the pressure. See you next week. Bye.