Motherhood and Career Identity: Redefining Success After Kids

Jun 30

Episode 53 with Jill Griffin & Molly Bierman

In this episode of No Permission Necessary, Jill and Molly explore how motherhood can reshape identity, ambition, career, confidence, and the way women define success.

They discuss the fear of the unknown before becoming a parent, the realities of maternity leave, the career interruptions women can face, and the pressure to choose between professional ambition and motherhood. Through their own experiences, they reflect on how becoming a mom changed their priorities, strengthened their boundaries, and helped them redefine what success looks like in both work and family life.

This episode is a reminder that motherhood can change you without erasing you, and that ambition does not have to disappear when you become a mom.

Molly Bierman (00:00)
I'm pumped about this episode actually. I really want to talk about, is how to redefine yourself in your career and life when you become a mom.
And I wanna start by prompting, you know, those who listen to us, follow our podcast, send this to somebody who
You've been having this conversation with someone who's coming back for maternity leave, someone who's about to go on maternity leave, someone who's thinking about having kids, somebody who says kids, you know, are not in the cards for them, or someone who's been trying to have children and is really having a hard time getting pregnant, right? All this episode welcomes all, right? And just to share a little bit of my personal experience,
I was petrified to be a mom.
I was petrified for my career to change. I was petrified for how it would impact my body. I was petrified in what I didn't know. I was petrified in the powerlessness of it.
I think that the best way I can basically equate it is early on in my recovery journey, a lot that stemmed from the recovery process was having a complete powerlessness and surrender what was ahead. And that is really what keeps a lot of people who are in active addiction stuck because it feels so scary to get to the other side. Fear of the unknown.
Jill Griffin (01:38)
Mm-hmm.
Molly Bierman (01:40)
So just kind of blanket term, me being a mom felt like fear of the unknown. And
Jill Griffin (01:44)
It sounds like Frozen
right now. It sounds like that song in Frozen. Where it's like Into the Unknown.
Molly Bierman (01:49)
Yeah.
Into the unknown. And then my my son also listens to the version Lost the you know the other song Lost in the Woods. That's I felt like fear of the unknown and then I'm now I'm lost in the woods. Okay. So
Jill Griffin (02:01)
I I
did not have that experience. And Molly would Molly would call me prior to when they were discussing having children. And I was like, Molly, you're just gonna figure it out. Like, yeah, you're not gonna know everything. Like, and the and the thing is, with children, especially, you can prepare for anything. Usually that's not the kid God gives you, though. That's just how it works out. Like, and that's how it is with having like multiple children. It's like, I've done this before. I got this. No, not with this one, you haven't. Not with the second one.
Molly Bierman (02:03)
What was your experience?
Jill Griffin (02:30)
'Cause the second one has different instructions than the first one. I always knew I was gonna be a mom and I didn't know how I was gonna do it. I never had a maternal instinct, I would say. But I just it j I don't know. I just didn't really think about it, to be honest with you.
Molly Bierman (02:42)
I
had the opposite experience, and I actually just shared this on Instagram not that long ago, is that my mom always had this belief that I was gonna be a mom. I never had the belief that I was gonna be a mom. I did not have that. And I did have a motherly instinct though, too. So it was like a little bit of a weird conundrum I was in.
Jill Griffin (03:00)
Well,
that's why your mom probably saw it.
Molly Bierman (03:02)
Yeah, I'm sure. But you know, when you're doing your thing and you're drinking and using and doing whatever else you're doing, the first thought isn't like, who am I marrying and who am I having kids with? It's just not. So that kind of that prompted the dialogue of saying, okay, let's talk about how do you redefine yourself in your career while becoming a mom.
Jill Griffin (03:14)
No.
the interruptions in a woman's career when you go out on maternity leave, it is real. it professionally does set women back. I think there is an unspoken bias. Yes, we have all the laws against discrimination around women and women who are pregnant, but the reality is I think there are
Times where women are passed up for leadership roles or roles with more responsibilities when they know you're of childbearing age, which is to be fair, in the behavioral health space, the majority of people that I employ, it's just part of our culture. People are having babies and they're raising their families. And like that's part of the culture that we've built. It's just part of it.
Molly Bierman (03:56)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Jill Griffin (04:05)
⁓ but I do think that it is a real fear because the statistics do show, it does hold women back. And I think there are a lot of women who put their careers on pause. And I know a lot of women who stepped out of the
profession that they went to college for or got a degree in. I know women who have decided I I'd rather stay home during this period of time with my young children, whether it financially makes more sense or they just couldn't do both and they wanted to pursue being a mother first. ⁓ giving up my career was never really an option. So my story is that I was nine months pregnant when I graduated with my master's degree.
So I graduated in May. I had my first child in June. I was licensed as a you know mental health therapist by August. And my career started. I stepped into a clinical or a director role overseeing multiple programs in let's say September.
Maybe I had a six month old, so my career pretty much started with a newborn. Like in this way.
Molly Bierman (05:09)
Yeah.
Yeah, becoming a mom can completely alter things that we've already talked about on this podcast. Priorities, energy, confidence, tolerance levels.
Jill Griffin (05:18)
Mm-hmm.
Molly Bierman (05:20)
It can trigger loss and grief in your own identity. it can move you towards feeling disconnected from your previous career and or yourself, depending on where you are and kind of what this next phase of life looks like. So what would you say surprised you the most becoming a mom while also transitioning into a very, robust career?
'Cause you had primarily been, yes, you were still like a frontline worker and working towards your degree, but obviously things catapulted in a much greater way after you got your master's.
Jill Griffin (05:50)
What surprised me the most is probably like that I was I just figured it out. I don't ever remember feeling like I had to make a choice in those early days, like between my family and my career. I feel like part of it was
How much having a daughter specifically like healed part of me? Like I think that my nervous system regulating to Audrey's also, I I think you also have to look at my husband three months earlier almost died. So
Th there was a lot going on in that like six month period of being pregnant, having the child, and then getting into this into the field that I was in and of hi a demanding job. I mean, I was overseeing crisis programs. So I think like
Maybe it was the near death experience of my husband during that time where like honestly it was like, yeah, this is just how it is like I don't know. I just feel like I just rolled with the punches easier because it was like, Yeah, it's not that serious. Like if my child needs me, I stay home. If they don't, I go to work. I mean, I would go up and work and see the third shift workers at four in the morning sometimes during that time. So honestly, in some ways, I think it helped me because, you know, your sleep's all screwed up for the first year plus with a child with a newborn anyway.
Molly Bierman (07:04)
I think that really
I think what surprised me the most about becoming a mom in terms of my professional career is how similar the level of resilience you need with children versus employees versus clients. It's essentially the same coping skills.
Jill Griffin (07:27)
Also, you
know what just came to mind what was surprising? People don't really give a shit that you have a baby at home. Okay. I'm just gonna throw that out there. And this goes back to the discrimination piece. Like I was expected to show up in a leadership position. They didn't care that I was nursing to the point of I didn't have a place to pump when I was at work. And I think that that was one of the more surprising things where, like, I remember having to lock my office door because it was like a community office. I would have to jimmy like a ⁓
Molly Bierman (07:32)
No.
Yeah.
Jill Griffin (07:54)
chair under and then sit right by the door so that no one would come in while I was pumping because there was no like private space.
Yeah. I would pump sometimes in the car, like driving.
Molly Bierman (08:06)
⁓ not even in question. Regularly.
Jill Griffin (08:08)
Yeah, it's
and I had kids before the the the fancy one no, I don't have that. I don't have that. Nor do we need to try them. Nor do we need to ever experience them, to be clear.
Molly Bierman (08:12)
The hands free, don't yeah. Yeah, so you're unwell.
S
so was there, you know, the sense of feeling pressure to bounce back professionally for you?
Jill Griffin (08:26)
Not my first, but for my second, I was in the midst of opening up a new program. I did come back for maternity leave early. I came back after maybe two and a half months. and that was like the beginning of the end for me in agency work. That's where things shifted. Having two is where things shifted, where I was like, Yeah, this isn't the life for me. Like, I'm not living on this
being needed all the time by somebody in a way that felt like urgent and all the time. That's when it was like twenty four hour programs are not for me anymore.
Molly Bierman (08:50)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I think that as things started to develop as soon as I had my first baby, I really well, I'll back it up because I think that there was so much fear and trepidation and concern. I remember being so, so pregnant on the unit.
And I was days away from giving birth. And I remember one of my directors looking at me and she goes, You know you're gonna have a baby like any day now, right? And I was like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but we'll like think about that later, right? 'Cause it just felt like there was so much to try to control for me, knowing that
in a very short time, I was not gonna have control over what felt like anything. And so there was this like hyper vigilance going on, right? Like there's so much intensity to kind of keep all the ducks in the row. And what I'll I will tell you that there was also this general kind of release and powerlessness once my child did come and I did go on a three month maternity leave for both my kids, running an agency.
having you know quite a f quite a few staff members on those on that unit and doing that three-month maternity leave what I really realized and I think this is so so important for people who are preparing whether that means you need to take time away because you have something going on in your family whether you have sickness whether you have just want to take a sabbatical whether you are pregnant or whether you're about to have a baby whatever it is
That if you have the proper infrastructure in a system, you being gone, it's gonna be fine. And I can attest to that, right? So, really, what it taught me was that I never really had that much control to begin with. The small things that I you know lost sleep over were not that serious, they weren't that big. And I think I became more confident in
handling the things that fell big, right? Like I mean, you say that that's because ⁓ you know, of the challenge and the near death experience with your with Alan, but I think that also really comes from children,
Jill Griffin (10:50)
there's a part of you. For me, I gave birth to both my children unmedicated, on my own, like I did that shit. So after that, there's nothing you can tell me I can't do after that. So just point blank period.
Like I think the confidence comes from, and I don't care how you that that's my birth experience. I don't care if you had a C-section, I don't care if you had an epidural, I don't care how you brought the the child into the world. If you birthed a child, no one could tell you anything. Because you did something that it is. I mean, you brought life into this world. So you did like the most. That is like the the biggest, most beautiful, like
Molly Bierman (11:24)
So true.
It's so true.
Jill Griffin (11:34)
miraculous thing you can do. So after that, what's a little something at work, please? Now do I keep that perspective all the time? No, I do not. Do you feel like it's made you more or less ambitious?
Molly Bierman (11:44)
Mm.
More.
There's you can do anything in a 24-hour period when you have kids. I am just here to say it. Like you could be dancing to Miss Rachel and the next minute making a lasagna. And don't trust me to make that lasagna. We've already discussed that on a previous episode. Me and like the whole sauce community were war. I mean, it Jill can do that better. But I ⁓ my god.
Jill Griffin (12:12)
Sometimes. Do we remember the burnt sauce?
And do we remember?
Molly Bierman (12:16)
But I really feel like I became more ambitious in a 24-hour period. So much more can get done in a 24-hour period after you have kids.
Jill Griffin (12:17)
boy.
What I will say made me more ambitious is the the existential threat of being a stay-at-home mom. No, I'm about to get be out here making this money because what would not have worked well for my children, for me. And I think that some people feel like it's like a negative thing to say this. I am not built to be a stay at home mom. I am not built to be home. I'm not built to be home with children, period, all day. Never mind.
And I love my children the most. So I give it up to teachers and daycare providers and nannies and all the that's not for me. I think part of the ambition for me is like I want my children to also see what's possible, you know, in terms of building something, in terms of staying committed to something, in terms of how you treat people, you know, like my my children are privy to conversations around, you know.
employee stuff and like just running the business and the stressors that come from that. Like yesterday, we we were off yesterday. My kids saw me in between the kid activities, in between cooking dinner. I was working on my day off. I probably put in si six good hours yesterday they saw me at that computer. Cause I had a deadline. I had something I had to do. Do I feel guilty for that? No, because they didn't want they didn't need me during that time anyway. I was present for the moments that we had
Molly Bierman (13:37)
Mm-hmm.
Jill Griffin (13:44)
Time as a family, but they're kind of used to it. They become used to your lifestyle in terms of what's important. They're at the age now where I can have conversations about why we do things the way we do. And, you know, in order to go on vacations and travel and be present at all their sports games and XYZ, like we also have to work sometimes. That's inconvenient for for specifically us for me.
Around their schedule.
Molly Bierman (14:10)
Well, how have you had to really like I think for me, like redefining what that means and redefining my schedule and what success means, I think has a couple layers. Redefining what success means for me in terms of being a mom is making sure that I'm available
For the quiet moments, for the exciting times, for the sad moments, like just available and aligned and to have an attunement to my kids and what they need. But also redefining what success looks like in terms of work is the value of my time and where that's going, right? So I know that my time is valuable. I and I know that there's certain, there's a certain impact I can make now, especially at the place I am in my career.
That all of those building blocks, all of those like fundamental moments that took me to like incrementally get to the next phase and the next phase and the next phase have really paid off as a mom now, right? Because now I'm in a place where not only has it helped me in my family and as as a parent, but I'm so much clearer on where my energy will be best used. So
I feel like it has only created more ambition, passion, more
excitement and you know really kind of solidified like my boundaries too. So what boundaries became like front and center that are now non-negotiable after kids, especially in terms of your career?
Jill Griffin (15:40)
I mean,
It's hard, right? Because I feel like in terms of work stuff, boundaries are sometimes flexible. Like I just gave the example that like on I worked. I worked over the weekend. We had a three-day weekend. Yesterday I literally sat I had a deadline that I had to meet. And so I had to work. Now that would not be the norm. I generally prioritize things that I've talked about on this podcast before, and I prioritize it for my family. So my children. So sleep.
Eating eating consistently and and nutritiously, moving my body. I would say in terms of boundaries though, the boundaries are really energetic for me and they are also showing up as my authentic self. So
An example of that would be don't expect me to be at all the kids stuff in in terms of the PTA meetings, in terms of the
I will show up with things. I will donate things. I will, but like I can't be there in my time. Now what I will be at is the things that my kids want me at. So we've just reached an age where my daughter does not want me at the field trips anymore. So I took full advantage up until this point. So I had 11 good years where she wanted me on the field trips. She wanted me at the field days. She wanted me at all those things. And I showed up for those things. Like that was a boundary for me.
That's why I got out of agency work so I could take that time off and be available when I want to be, right?
But the other stuff that's more for like the parents, I'm probably not gonna be at that. I mm it's a boundary for me.
Molly Bierman (17:01)
Hm.
Just go out to dinner
with a couple parents, you know? That's like my vote. Even this week, I was talking with one of the my neighbors and
She and her cousin were spending some time together and her cousins in town. And I was like, it sounds like you've been in the trenches for a few days. She's a stay-at-home mom and she has four kids. And I was like, You've been in the trenches for a little bit. Why don't we go to dinner this week? She's like, Yes, please, you know? So like those are the things that I feel like I direct my energy towards, right? How can I, how can we lift each other up?
You know, this is we're talking about our our personal experience and in our own businesses and had worked previously for other businesses, but this also applies to stay-at-home moms, you know, and what that looks like in terms of how you still hold on to your ambition and your own goals and your own aspirations while being a mom.
Jill Griffin (17:52)
You know what it just made me think of? The boundary really is trying not to keep up with the Joneses in terms of parenting. And you see the Instagram reels. You see the one-year-old birthday parties with the with the food truck and the this and that. And it's like, I'm not doing all that. ⁓ we are making a homemade birthday cake, we're having family over, we're singing happy birthday. Like, I'm not doing things that I don't want to do.
just because it looks better to everyone else that I'm doing these things. Like I'm not I'm not here for it. I'm not doing it. And that's where I think a lot of the mom guilt comes in because it's like, well, my children are suffering because they don't have XYZ or they don't. Yeah, no, we have to have conversations with our kids that like, yeah, well, Johnny might be able to do that or have those things, but like that's not what we do in our family. So I don't know what to tell you. Like I'm not I that's a a big boundary for me in terms of like feeling like
I'm true to myself as like who I am, but also just keeping it real with my kids too. Like, I don't know. I feel like with social media and society, it's like there's so much pressure to be like overextending yourself, whether it's your energy, your time, your money, everything in the name of like parenting, and not for nothing, but we have some of those people in therapy now, and it didn't work out so well. So, like, maybe tone it down.
Molly Bierman (19:09)
Yeah. And no is
no is a complete answer. And I would also suggest this is a subtle plug to take an Instagram hiatus. It feels pretty nice. Love a love and IG hiatus. I'll still log in to, you know, share, share the pod and any other business ventures that I have going on to ensure that, you know, we don't totally screw up the algorithm. But a little less doom scrolling goes a long way, guys. Just here to say it. So
Jill Griffin (19:16)
Molly loves those lately.
I also think though that you have to maintain your identity as a as a woman, as a person, put your marriage first, because we see a lot of people who mothers especially, like I think during COVID, the statistics around mothers who ⁓ started drinking alcoholically. W when you either have the pressures of motherhood and you don't feel like you have a tribe, number one. But number two, if you're pouring everything into your children and they get to that age, which
This happens around twelve to fifteen years old when they start wanting to be around their friends more than they want to be around you. And you've put your whole identity into your children and you've lost your sense of friendships, your marriage, all these things and connect other connections as an adult, you're gonna be really lost.
Molly Bierman (20:22)
You know who wants to be around their friends more than their parents? My four-year-old.
Yesterday I caught him walking up the hill with his sister, okay? Just left, went to went to go hang out with the neighbor, walking by themselves with my brother's dog. The three of them, they were on an adventure. They were on a field trip. So,
Jill Griffin (20:37)
Yeah. I mean, they were out.
Molly Bierman (20:43)
The the purpose of me saying that though is that a lot of that autonomy and you know safety in being able to spend time with other people and be spend time with friends and have other relationships outside of just me has really come by way of right, me working, you know, and me or me establishing my own routines. So in closing,
What does success mean to you today as a mother of two, one of them being a tween?
Jill Griffin (21:13)
Success means being present in the moments that matter. And it's not always the big moments, but it's like the moments where they need me and knowing when they need me. You know, like I I was at, success looks like, I'll tell give you an example. Success looks like me being at a dinner in New York City and my daughter having the best game of her life, and her saying to me,
You know, I wish, I really wish you were here. But then being just as excited to FaceTime with me, and I'm in the bathroom in this like tiny restaurant FaceTiming with her as people are flushing the toilet. So she can tell me about her game. And like, she this isn't gonna be a a moment later on in life where she's like, My mom wasn't there. Like, I showed up, I stepped aside, I put her first, right? But like it's not you can have both. And she can understand that and and know that.
I'm still there even though I'm not there. Like I was still the first person she called to tell about it, you know? So that's what success is for me.
What about you?
Molly Bierman (22:11)
Success means to me today, I feel like it definitely looks different than when I first started in my career because I think I was just really eager to earn my stripes. Success today means distinguishing where my time and energy is needed on any given day. Whether that be with my clients, with my kids, with my family.
I will say, I'm easing into a more balanced lifestyle. And by balance for me, that just means that it doesn't always have to be, you know, at a hundred miles per hour. And so
Yeah. I mean success means today to like be in alignment of myself and to be in alignment with the people that I'm around
Jill Griffin (22:56)
Well, everyone, thanks for listening today. And make sure that you drop your email in our ⁓ show notes as our sign up for our new newsletter and follow us on Instagram. We'd love to hear from you and any feedback you have on today's episode.
Molly Bierman (23:12)
Until next time.